To The Other Me

To the other me before I turned into this monster, this monster whom only sees death and destruction within.

I hate you, I hate how you make me feel. I hate how you make me doubt every thought and make me paranoid about what ever other people think when I see then looking at me. I hate that you are invading my every thought that you make me forget so quick, making me not feel happy anymore.

I miss being happy, and I miss feeling like me. The happy, positive me, the me that you covered with your blanket of darkness and changed who I am. Its like you took the light right from out of me, I use to spread my light on others and enlighten them with feelings of positives and happiness. Now everyone is pulling away because I am not who I use to be.

All I want is to lock myself up in a room and wither away like the leaves of a weeping willow when autumn sets in…

I can feel myself fading like the life is drained out of every leaf as it starts to turn brown, and eventually after all is done and the cold has taken all the life I had, I fall. I fall to the ground to be stepped on or swept away, like I never meant anything. Because you see next season a new leaf will appear and it will be green again and it will flourish, but I will be gone.

I hate you for making me the dead leave instead of the green one; I want to be happy again. I want to trust and love without boundaries, I want to be loved and trusted without boundaries. But such a love does not exist…….

Because you have taken away everything good I ever had in life….

Once I had a family, I had love and I had happiness, but you came like a phantom in the night and took it from me, but to no fault of my own, you see we make our own futures and I have always somehow ended up in the same place, unhappy.

I am always anxious and always paranoid; I feel like people will always rather throw me away than try harder, I wish I was worth it. I so do wish I was worth the effort. What a disappointment I must be to my beautiful boys, I am not even worthy enough for people to listen to a full sentence once I started. People I love would rather confide in others than me as they are worried about my irrational outburst. I have to make these choices that will affect my life and that of my son and I don’t want to because the darkness has always made my choices and I have always ended up unhappy…..

So YOU the other I, the unwanted, unwelcome me….. I hate you and I want you to wither away like that leave I became.